Would you go to an ex's funeral?
After someone dies, attending their funeral can feel like an important ritual, offering a chance to reflect on their life and to say goodbye. But what happens when it's someone you had a complicated relationship with, like an ex?
There's no hard and fast rule when it comes to attending an ex's funeral. Deciding whether to go might depend on the circumstances around your relationship with your former partner. For instance, how did you break up? Did you stay in touch? Do you have children together?
We spoke to two women who shared their experiences of attending their ex's funerals.
"It felt like the last thing I could do for him"
In one word, Barbara would describe her relationship with her ex as "distant – literally, as he had moved 200 miles away from our hometown; and figuratively, as he kept his whereabouts and phone number private." But they did sometimes speak over the phone, mostly to talk about their daughter. "I'd say we were old friends who touched base from time to time," she explains.
"I got the news he had died by phone, while I was in the office. My immediate reaction was shock and disbelief; he was only 56. My colleagues said that I wailed out loud."
After he died, Barbara and her daughter travelled to where he had been living in London to make the funeral arrangements. "While I was there first to support my daughter," Barbara says, "I realised I wanted to attend the funeral as it felt like the last thing I could do for him."
At the time, Barbara was nervous about how other family and friends would react to her attending. Especially those whom she hadn't seen or spoken to since they'd split. But in the end, everyone was supportive of each other.
"It was truly a celebration of his life," Barbara says. "Our beloved daughter spoke about her Dad so honestly and beautifully at the funeral and I'm so glad I was able to hear her heartfelt words. Attending the funeral helped ease the pain of his loss, and the loss of what we once had."
"In typical fashion, I was excluded"
Angi had been with her ex for eight years, and they'd had four children together in that time. "My relationship with my ex was a difficult one," Angi says. "Even though he hurt me, he loved his children."
He died a few years after they separated. "His girlfriend at the time told us the date and time of the funeral but didn't ask us to participate in any way." While Angi's children wanted her to attend, Angi herself was hesitant, unsure whether his partner would mind, or how she would react.
In the end, she decided to go, but found it an unsettling experience. "In typical fashion, I was excluded from the children," Angi says. While they sat in the front row at the crematorium, Angi sat six rows behind. "My children were comforted by his girlfriend and brother. I thought 'How could she do that?' I was the one who wanted to put my arms around my children."
After the funeral, Angi remembers, "The kids talked and talked about their dad – both the good and the bad. It wasn't easy for the next year to come to terms with some of the things we hadn't realised he'd said or done. But as always, I was there to pick up the pieces."
The death of an ex can bring up lots of different feelings
"Grief is often impacted by the quality of a relationship," explains Marie Curie Bereavement Counsellor Louise Bowen. "If you had a complicated relationship, it can feel difficult to navigate. When it comes to ex-partners, there's often a lot of grief surrounding the end of the relationship, and their death may bring that initial grief back to the surface."
Grieving for an ex can be a form of 'disenfranchised grief' – grief that doesn't meet society's expectations of what grief is 'meant to look like.' For the bereaved person, it can be especially difficult and isolating when others don't understand the depth of their emotions. But everyone experiences grief differently, and all grief is valid.
When weighing up whether it feels right for you to attend an ex's funeral, Louise recommends trying not to make a hasty decision: "Give yourself time to make the right decision for you and weigh up what you would gain from attending."
If you ultimately decide not to attend an ex's funeral, how else can you navigate your feelings? "You could write them an unsent letter," suggests Louise. "It can be a way of working through your thoughts to process your grief."
If you'd like to talk to someone following a bereavement, we're here for you. Call our free Support Line on 0800 090 2309.
