“I was worried they wouldn’t talk to me because I was gay”
When my partner, Terri, died in March 2020, I found myself grieving alone. I didn't know who to turn to – not just as a bereaved person, but as bereaved gay person.
My partner Terri died on 27 March 2020. It was my birthday exactly a week later. I knew she'd bought presents for me when she was well, but I didn't know where she'd put them. It took me three days to find the bracelet; she'd hidden it very well.
It's solid silver, with a little heart and the word 'love'. She'd had it engraved with a special message to me, too – on the outside, where I'd see it every day. It says: 'Keep fucking going'. I laughed when I opened it, because only Terri would get that engraved on a piece of jewellery.
On my own
Terri had been diagnosed with terminal cancer in December 2018. I'd been caring for her at home, which was where she wanted to be. Before covid happened, we'd discussed what would happen when Terri died. We arranged for there to be respite care in place to help me nurse her at the end. I was reassured that I wouldn't be on my own.
Unfortunately, lockdown and shielding meant that never happened. I got one respite night out of about 14, so I was often awake for 24 hours without a break. Terri did not die peacefully. Her final 14 days were absolutely horrific. Her death itself, the moment she died, was equally traumatic. It wasn't quiet. It wasn't peaceful.
Lonely and vulnerable
After Terri's death, I spoke to a lady at our local hospice. She had planned to ring me back, but then I got a phone call from one of her colleagues saying she'd been furloughed. She asked if I needed anything. I said I was just calling for someone to speak to. It was very much, 'OK bye, ring us if you need anything'. I was never going to do that.
I was grieving. I was in lockdown. We couldn't have the funeral we'd planned. We had Terri cremated because we could only have five people at the funeral and I wouldn't have been able to go because I was shielding.
I was very, very lonely and very, very vulnerable. At sea, really. It was horrible and I realised I couldn't continue like that. I needed some support, so I did a Google search. Up came Marie Curie's Companion over the phone service.
Nervous about calling
As a gay couple, Terri and I didn't see ourselves represented in healthcare in lots of ways. That does have an effect. Before I rang Check-In and Chat I was nervous about calling. I realise how ridiculous it was for me to worry that they wouldn't talk to me because I was gay.
There are still lots of areas where we have work to do to make sure people are represented and feel supported. Some people still have very dated views and ideas about same-sex relationships, so anything that breaks down that perceived 'strangeness' of being gay is important.
It's reassuring to know that Marie Curie supports everyone. People already see barriers in reaching out for help with their grief. Sexuality doesn't need to become an additional barrier to that. So I picked up the phone and got through to Brigette. She was wonderful.
Carrying on
Brigette rings me every week and just lets me spill. The issues I've had, the problems I've had. All my tales of woe. She's also been really good at giving me some perspective, because when you're on your own all day, every day – and my sleep hasn't been great – by the time I get to Friday, I'm beside myself.
Brigette's been able to help me rationalise it all. To have somebody to download it all to is just so amazing. I can tell her anything. She's brilliant. She's 100% supportive.
Now I wear the bracelet Terri gave me every day. I work in a school, so I have to turn it around to hide what it says. It has allowed me to do that – to carry on. Brigette has helped me understand that, too. She's helped me realise that you'll have good weeks and bad weeks, and you'll feel like you're taking backwards steps – but you just have to keep going.
If your loved one did not receive all the care and support they needed at the end of life, please consider sharing your experience to help our future campaigns and improve things for others.
