“They met during the second world war when you could end up in prison for being gay”
As an LGBTQ+ trainer at the Marie Curie Hampstead Hospice, one of the issues I focus on is how we can encourage more people from the LGBTQ+ community to access palliative care. Talking about LGBTQ+ history in the training has given me the opportunity to think and talk about a man called John again. Many staff members have found John’s story helpful; it illustrates how much things have changed for LGBTQ+ people in this country, and it shows how we can reach out.
Being gay was illegal
John was a man in his late 80s who we cared for at our Hampstead Hospice in London. He’d been living alone in a flat in Camden since his partner Graham died 20 years before. They’d lived there since the 1950s.
They met during the second world war when Graham was in the armed forces. Being gay was illegal and you could end up in prison if you were in the ‘wrong’ venue, or in a relationship with another man.
John came to stay in the hospice at a time when there were documentaries and dramas on television marking the 50th anniversary of the partial decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1967. He talked so movingly of how things were during the 1950s and 1960s, when many of his friends ended up in prison.
He said Graham was guarding the flat
He often talked about Graham’s ashes being in an urn and sitting on the table in the lounge. I asked once if he wanted me to bring them into the hospice, but he said no; Graham was guarding the flat.
John made it clear he wanted to die at home but for that to happen, we needed to do a lot of work. We got a cleaning company to declutter and clean his flat, and our Occupational Therapist came with me to order all the equipment and put a hospital bed into the lounge. I bought new bedding and went to a food shop to get some of John’s favourite pork pies.
John went home, and the community team took over. I visited him several times with our community social worker, and he eventually had his wish of dying at home.
Funeral plans
John had planned his funeral, and he got the same man who’d organised Graham’s funeral 20 years before to do it. As John had requested, we played Shirley Bassey’s A House Is Not a Home, just like it had been at Graham’s funeral.
John’s friends had all died and he had no family he was in contact with, so we thought nobody would attend his funeral. Our Chaplain took the service and I delivered the eulogy. But somebody from the Lesbian and Gay Switchboard came because John had left money to them. So did a woman who John had worked with in the 1970s, together with her husband. It was a lovely service and Graham’s ashes were put in John’s coffin and cremated again, so they could be together.
A good ending
We all met up weeks later and walked John and Graham’s ashes to the beautiful garden next to their flat. John had asked me to scatter the ashes in this garden because it meant a lot to him and Graham while they lived there. With our Chaplain and John’s friend from work, we sipped champagne and scattered their ashes on a beautiful sunny June afternoon.
I feel that we were able to give John the end of life care that he wanted; it was a good ending.
Marie Curie has just launched the first nationwide charity Rainbow Pin in support of LGBTQ+ people receiving end of life care. It can only be worn by staff who’ve done LGBTQ+ awareness training and we’re hoping it means people can feel reassured at a glance that they’re welcome and safe to be who they are. It also gives our staff the opportunity to show their support for the LGBTQ+ community.
We’ve also launched a new information booklet aimed specifically at LGBTQ+ communities.
Glyn co-leads LGBTQ+ training at Hampstead Hospice, and he wears his pin with pride.