“The Marie Curie Bereavement Support Line gave me the confidence to keep going after my mum died”
My mam passed away on 2 February 2020. Her name was Ida, and she was 91 years old. She was in a care home and she passed away quickly – she just went to sleep and never woke up.
Apart from her arthritis and the usual aches and pains of old age she was still her usual feisty self. She was a character to the end. She used to have everybody laughing in the care home, and all the carers wanted to go to her funeral because she was such a big influence.
We were always close. She’d regularly come over to my house and we spoke on the phone all the time. That’s the way it was. I was always seeing her. She was always there, so when she died it was hard.
Talking about death
Mam always said to me that when she goes she just wants to go to bed and not wake up, and she got her wish. I saw her the Friday before she died, and she was her usual self. I never anticipated that would be the last time I saw her. It was a big shock when I got the phone call from the home at 3am on the Sunday morning to say she’d passed.
When we went to see her, I was struck by how peaceful she looked. She had a smile on her face. I do believe my grandad came for her. He was her angel, and she loved him.
Grieving in isolation
I found the grieving process very hard. I contacted the Marie Curie Bereavement Support Line about two weeks after she died because I couldn’t get my head around her death. I kept asking myself, why her? I was trying to process what was I supposed to do from now on. I’d cleared her room out. I used to go down to the home to visit her friends. It felt as if I was still connected to her in some way.
When lockdown was announced I was distraught. That severed that one connection I felt I still had, and one day I just couldn’t stop myself crying so I looked online – not really knowing what I was looking for – and I came across the Bereavement Support Line.
I just needed somebody to talk to, and somebody to listen to me that wasn’t my family.
Talking to the Support Line
I just needed somebody to talk to, and somebody to listen to me that wasn’t my family. They listened to me, and they said we know this is going to be a very hard time, and that I’d have to go through this bereavement process.
On my second call they said, “would you like to talk to someone?” They sent me a form to sign, and that week I started talking to David who spoke to me every week after. He was so good and helped me to remember that I had 62 years with her and was lucky that we had such a good relationship.
A fortnight after Mam died I was laughing and playing with the grandkids, which instantly made me feel guilty as she hadn’t been gone for long. But the Support Line reminded me that she wouldn’t want me to be sad and miserable all the time. She’d want me to be happy.
I’m still grieving four months on. I still cry now, but I’ve learnt that it’s part of the grief and that’s fine. Now and again it comes over you. You can’t help the way you are.
The Bereavement Support Line reminded me that my mum wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time. She’d want me to be happy.
Moving forward
The bereavement service helped me immensely. I would recommend it to anyone.
They’ve boosted my confidence and gave me a push to keep going. Mam will always be there. She’ll always be in my head for a long time to come and she’ll always be in my heart, but it just gave me that push to realise I can still live my life. I’ve still got photographs and flowers up for Mam, and I talk to her every day now.
When I was first bereaved, I used to dread going out for walks with the dog. I couldn’t talk to anybody and I couldn’t look at anybody for fear I burst out crying. I just wanted to get out and get back and not talk to a soul.
But that’s totally changed now, and I’m not afraid to take my time, to enjoy the fresh air. I’m not scared about talking to people either.
If you need someone to speak to you can call the Marie Curie Bereavement Support Line on 0800 090 2309 for free support.
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