“Caring for my mother while I was in my 20s was a real privilege”

Mum had stage three breast cancer that had spread to her bones, her brain, her spine and her liver. She had it for quite a long time, but in the last few months of her life it spread very quickly and the situation deteriorated.

Often, caring for your parents is something you do in your 50s or 60s, when they are really old. Being able to do it in my 20s, for me, really solidified what it means to be a man, what it means to love unconditionally. I learned about how beautiful life can be and how the circle of life just continues. It was a very unique and rich moment for me to take care of someone who I had to just love and forgive and be present for.

I was very process driven after Mum died

While I felt semi-prepared for my mum's death, it was still surreal when it happened. You know it's coming around the corner, but it doesn't even hit you when it happens because there's so much paperwork and admin and sorting things out for the family that needs looking after.

In the first month, I didn't really feel too sad. It was only when everything had settled down that I could take some space and time to think: "How do I feel?" That's when I started to realise, actually, I do feel a bit sad, and I do really miss my mum.

My friends hadn't experienced the loss of a parent

None of my friends had taken their mum or dad to the toilet, or mouth-fed them or brushed their teeth. Nor had they put the last nail in their parent's coffin or arranged a funeral. My friends were there to cook me food when I didn't have the energy, but I didn't want to put that expectation or burden on them to 'understand' me. I relied more on my therapy and Marie Curie for that support.

Reaching out to Marie Curie felt like a good first step

I found the Marie Curie Bereavement Support Service online. I liked the idea of having someone to speak to on a semi-regular basis, so I got in touch and was paired with Philomena, a Bereavement Support Service volunteer.

Philomena was such a warm, understanding and serene character. She's a lot older than I am, and it very much felt like I was speaking to a nan that I never had. The sessions allowed me to seek a bit of guidance and warmth, which was really reassuring.

I never came to our sessions with a specific idea to talk about

But when we'd start talking I would always come to some sort of a realisation, some sort of an 'Oh! I actually didn't know I felt like that' moment.

What we talked about was often philosophical. I wondered how my mum must have felt in her last couple of hours. We had discussions around how fragile life is. We focused on deep, existential questions about life and death that I wouldn't have discussed with my friends.

The main thing I took away from my sessions with Philomena is how important it is to just sit there and connect with our feelings and not try and rationalise them, but allow them to flow. It's easier said than done, but being intentional about creating that space and time for yourself was a good lesson that I learned from my bereavement journey.

I'm Muslim, and faith and spirituality have been two things that have really helped me through this journey as well. I put my faith in God that this journey that I am on, and my mum has been on, is one that has already been written and that is beautiful in its own right.

I'd recommend Marie Curie's bereavement support because it is such a specialised service. It was so helpful to have someone who understands what you're going through, who can accompany you through that journey and provide that non-judgemental, grounded and reliable support.

Looking back, I have been able to really process this loss

Grief is something you grow to live with, it's not something you get over. I've been able to live with it in a very accepting, very serene way.

In March, we welcomed Mum's first anniversary of passing away. We organised a three-way call between myself, my immediate family and our relatives back in Japan to hold a minute of silence and share our favourite memories of Mum. I spent the day reflecting on our fun moments together and how much she is missed in my life. It was quite sad but peaceful and wholesome at the same time. I'll continue to miss her, of course, but will live life fully for myself and for her as well.

If you, or someone you care about, is grieving, we're here for you. Call 0800 090 2309 for ongoing support from a trained bereavement volunteer or find out more about our Bereavement Support Service.

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