"Grandad became friends with the nurses. He loved them.”
My grandad, Colin, was looked after by Marie Curie at the end of his life. When Marie Curie was there, it was like all the stress and the worry were gone, because at least we knew we were in safe hands.
Grandad was a construction worker – he owned his own business. He did it for years. I remember he would sometimes go to Cornwall from Herne Bay, where we lived, and all the way back in the same day because he wanted to be with his family. That's the sort of person he was.
"It really felt like I was losing my dad"
My grandad had been very ill for a very long time, on and off. Then out of nowhere he was told: 'You are at the end of life It hit us all, but it wasn't a surprise because of how ill he'd been. Slowly but surely, life started to slip away.
They were essentially my parents, my nan and my grandad. I'm still friends with my parents, but when they divorced when I was growing up, instead of choosing one side I chose my grandparents to bring me up. It really felt like I was losing my dad in a way. I lived with them from the age of two until I was 22. So when he got sick, and especially when he got bedbound, it was hard.
Forming friendships
We've always known Marie Curie – we all know the yellow daffodil. But never, especially when the news hit, did we think, 'Yeah, we should reach out to Marie Curie' until my partner suggested it. Her nan had passed away the year before, and she'd had Marie Curie's help.
There's the idea that grief doesn't shrink, but you grow around it. The idea of me growing as a person even though this has happened, that's stuck with me a lot.
We reached out and we got help. Grandad started to form friendships with some of the nurses and healthcare assistants who were coming in. He loved them, it was very sweet.
He would always tell me about a Marie Curie Nurse called Cathy. He would read books constantly, always murder thrillers, and he had this massive bookshelf like a big library. Cathy would give him books and every time she came over, he'd ring me the next day to say, 'Cathy came over with this book, I'm already halfway through it!'
When Marie Curie was there, the worry was gone
It would've been really tough without Marie Curie, especially for my nan. Sometimes when we went, Grandad would be embarrassed. He wouldn't want us to see him at his most vulnerable when he wouldn't be able to go to the toilet by himself or wash himself. He'd make himself worse because he wanted to wait until a nurse or healthcare assistant was around.
If Marie Curie hadn't been there, especially at night, my nan would've been the only person in the house. If he'd had an emergency, I don't know what would've happened. During the night when Marie Curie was there, it was like all the stress and the worry – especially the worry – was gone because at least we knew we were in safe hands.
Grief doesn't shrink – you grow around it
My grandad passing away is the first death I've ever really had in the family. It was a big shock. I didn't know what to do with the feelings I had or how to process it. I didn't want to talk to my nan because she must've been feeling bad. I had this overwhelming sensation of guilt for feeling sad or feeling loss, especially because I'm the granddaughter. I'm not the wife, I'm not the daughter.
I was told about the Marie Curie Bereavement Support Service and I reached out to them. The more that I spoke to Dawn, my Bereavement Support Service volunteer, the more she gave me encouragement. It was like being able to talk to a third party helped me find the words and the way to approach talking about it.
I went from feeling lonely and empty to realising that that support system was always there. I just didn't have the courage to see it.
It took that worry and loneliness away, enough that it's given me the ability to talk to others about it. It's the nicest feeling. There was something Dawn and I discussed about the idea that grief doesn't shrink, but you grow around it. The idea of me growing as a person even though this has happened, that's stuck with me a lot.
Charity streaming
Fundraising feels like a nice way to respect my grandad. It's a way to keep talking about him, grief and Marie Curie. It just feels like the right thing to do.
As an online streamer on Twitch, I did a gaming stream for Marie Curie. For every donation I got, we'd spin a 'wheel of punishment'. It could land on putting an effect on the screen, or a condition like using a steering wheel controller to play a game that wasn't a driving game.
I also had a list of 50 different food ingredients. For every £10 donation, during the stream I made a pizza with any of the ingredients selected by the wheel. I ended up with a chocolate ice cream, pepper and salt pizza. It was a weird disgusting list of things! I did eat the pizza. I always like to try and make a charity stream as interactive as possible so that for every donation, something happens.
Fundraising is something I'd encourage others to take part in. Even if streaming online with silly things isn't what you enjoy, doing a walk or another event to raise awareness and get the smallest contributions makes a world of difference for everyone involved. For me, it's also a way of giving back the tiniest part of something that me and my family couldn't have done without.
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