Looking after yourself when you're grieving
Even if you knew that your friend, or family member, was going to die, it may still have been a shock. You will need time to adjust to life without them. Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve.
Tina, Dan, Tasneem and Ella share what helped them with grief, including talking about their loved one who died, exercising, getting support and finding new hobbies. You might find that some of these things help you, and you may find other ways of coping too.
The first days and weeks of grieving
There are often lots of practical things you need to do after someone dies. If you're the person responsible for these things, try to make sure that you still take time to rest, and for your feelings of grief also.
Often people want to help but are not sure how. So, it's a good idea to take up any offers of help from friends and family. And you can suggest to them what kind of help would be most useful.
Some people can feel angry at themselves at the beginning. It could be for different reasons. Maybe it's because you wish you had done something differently when the person was alive, or maybe it's because you think you should be coping better now. If this is how you're feeling, try to be kind to yourself. It may help if you can talk about how you're feeling to someone you trust, rather than keeping these thoughts to yourself.
And remember, there is no timescale for grief. Grief is different for everyone. So try not to be angry if it takes you longer to feel like you can cope with day-to-day life than you think it should − or if you get very upset, or feel very emotional again, when you were not expecting to.
Things that may help you to feel better
We all experience grief differently. There's no guide to what to do when you've just been bereaved that can work for everyone.
But you may find it helps to think about small things that make you feel a little better – and then try to build time for them in your day.
People have told us that the following things have helped them:
- getting out for a walk in the morning or evening
- leaving the house, even if it's just to go for a coffee
- doing something creative, like colouring or drawing
- spending time with a pet or animal
- spending time in a place that feels comforting, or perhaps has special meaning for you and the person who has died
- being in nature
- meditation or breathing exercises.
Exercising and being outside has helped... I think you've got all this adrenaline and all these feelings that you're processing and sometimes your body needs to move, because your mind is moving fast.
People also say that it can help to start making a list of simple things that you can do for yourself each day. It could be things like going for a walk, having a relaxing bath, or booking a haircut. Or, when you feel up to it, practical tasks like returning a phone call or going out to do the shopping.
Looking after yourself in the weeks and months after someone dies
In the time after the funeral, it can seem like everyone's life is getting back to normal, and you may be left feeling lonely. Maybe you're worried about how you can cope without the person who was so important to you. You may also find that you struggle with day-to-day activities. Things like going to work, university or social events may seem almost impossible at the beginning.
You may want to read about how grief can make you feel. And we have more suggestions here on how to look after yourself when you're grieving, and how to find support if you need it.
Crying can be an important part of the grieving process
Crying can be the body's way to reduce stress and soothe itself. It's a normal reaction to someone's death. It may be days, weeks or even years after they died. If you feel like crying, try not to question it. Many people who are grieving say they cannot tell when they will suddenly need to cry and that it can come when they're least expecting it, but most people feel better afterwards.
It's also OK if you do not feel like crying – for example, some people might feel numb. Everyone experiences grief differently.
Read more about the feelings you may have.
Eating well to look after yourself
Some people lose their appetite in the first weeks and months of grieving and struggle to get back to their usual eating habits. While other people may want to eat more, particularly food that they find comforting. We often want more comfort food when we're tired − so if you've not been sleeping well, you might crave food that fills you up and gives you energy.
If you've lost your appetite and are finding it hard to eat enough, try to eat small portions of things you can manage at regular times. If you do not feel like cooking, you could make it easier for yourself with ready meals and snacks.
These reactions are common, so try not to be hard on yourself if your appetite and diet is affected by grief. Your appetite will usually come back when you have had time to grieve.
Read about healthy eating on the NHS website . It is one of the ways that you can look after yourself when you are grieving.
Sleep and rest when you are grieving
Getting a good night's sleep can be difficult when you're grieving. It may be because your mind is racing and so it's hard to get to sleep, or it may be that you wake up a lot and then cannot get back to sleep.
Some people become scared of going to sleep in case they have nightmares. Or they worry that they will dream that the person is still alive, and it will be upsetting to wake up and realise that it isn't true.
Alcohol and sleep
Be careful of drinking too much. While alcohol may help you to go to sleep, even a couple of alcoholic drinks can affect how well you sleep and mean that you wake up sooner and more often. Alcohol is also a depressant so if you are struggling with your mood and emotions, it can make things worse rather than better.
Coffee, tea and caffeinated drinks and sleep
You may also want to cut down on coffee, tea and caffeinated fizzy drinks, because the caffeine in them can also make it harder for you to get to sleep.
Exercise and sleep
Many people find that doing some exercise during the day helps them to sleep better at night. A bit of exercise can also help to boost your mood at a time when you may, quite naturally, feel more down or sad at times. Just walking outside or doing some gentle exercise, like yoga or pilates, may help your mood and help with your sleep.
A night-time routine
Another thing that can help is to have a night-time routine based on these things:
- Go to bed only when you're tired and try to go to bed and get up at around the same time each day.
- Have a warm shower or bath before you go to bed.
- Avoid screens and looking at your phone in the time before you go to bed.
- Read or try listening relaxing music, or a sleep podcast.
If you've had trouble sleeping for a while and these suggestions are not helping, then you may need to see your GP.
How to find support when you are grieving
The support you get after someone close to you dies can make a real difference to the grieving process, and how well you are able to adapt to living without them.
Read more about getting support when you are grieving.You could find all the support you need through talking to friends or family. While some people find that joining a local bereavement support group where they can meet with other people who are dealing with grief also, is the best support for them.
If you need to find support, you can call the Marie Curie Support Line for free on 0800 090 2309. Or if you need immediate support then call the Samaritans on 116 123 – they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
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About this information
This information is not intended to replace any advice from health or social care professionals. We suggest that you consult with a qualified professional about your individual circumstances. Read more about how our information is created and how it's used.
