When someone's in denial
Not everyone wants to talk when they have a terminal illness. It can take time to find ways of coping with the news, and there may be moments when they don’t want to accept what’s happening. It’s a common response and often part of the acceptance process.
It can be difficult to deal with someone’s decision if they don’t want to talk, and you may think of it as a sign of denial. But it’s important not to pressure them into talking or make them feel judged. Instead, there are things you can do to listen and support them as their feelings change, and ways to get support yourself.
On this page:
Why someone may not want to talk about dying
Coping with a terminal diagnosis can cause all sorts of feelings for everyone involved. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. It can be frustrating if someone doesn’t talk about their illness, and accepting and respecting their wishes can be challenging. But it’s important to remember that there could be lots of reasons they choose not to talk, including:
- feeling scared about dying
- being concerned about how their family and friends will cope
- protecting you from being upset
- questioning about their beliefs and the meaning of life
- worrying where they’ll live and be cared for as their illness progresses
- how they’ll get support with things like finances.
Denial can be a way for people to cope with their illness and dying, and forcing them to talk may not be the best thing for them.
People with a terminal illness are often aware of their diagnosis on some level. They may not want to think or talk too much about it. Some people find it hard to accept side effects of their illness or treatment, like hair loss or losing their mobility. But they usually accept their overall situation.
Supporting someone who doesn’t want to talk
There are things you can do that may help you accept someone's choice and support them if they do not want to talk.
Listen without judgement
Listen to your family member or friend as much as possible. Try not to judge, interrupt or pressure them into talking about subjects they’re avoiding.
It can take time to come to terms with a diagnosis, and you may find that their attitude changes and they become more open as their illness progresses.
Ask if they want to speak with someone else
It can be upsetting if they don’t want to speak with you. You could ask them if there’s someone they’re more comfortable speaking with. Some people hide their feelings from those closest to them because they worry about being a burden. They might talk more openly about their diagnosis with someone other than their family and friends, like their GP or district nurse. Or perhaps it would help them to speak with a counsellor or therapist.
Ask their GP or healthcare team
You could try speaking with the person’s GP or healthcare team to get a better understanding of how they’re feeling. Or let them know of any concerns you have. You may need the person’s permission to do this.
Getting support for yourself
Think about your support network and who you can speak with. Friends who do not know the person well may be able to listen to your concerns and give you a different perspective.
Speak with others in similar situations
It can help to speak with others who are in similar situations to you. Online forums and virtual chats can be a good way to connect with others. You could try:
- Carers UK online forum
- Sue Ryder online community
- Marie Curie online community
- Alzheimer’s Society online forum
- The Mix group chats for young carers
When to speak with a professional
There are times when avoiding feelings or worries can cause people to act in ways that may impact them and you. It may be reassuring to speak with the person’s GP or healthcare team if you feel that they:
- want to talk, but cannot have conversations with you or others close to them
- refuse pain medication or hide their symptoms
- talk about recoveries or cures when their doctor has told them that they will die from their illness
- have ways of coping that worry you
- avoid the reality of their situation and need to deal with practical matters like their finances.
There may be things that you feel the person is avoiding that could cause problems later, for example:
- arranging their finances
- sorting their will
- making decisions about their care.
These can be difficult conversations to have, and it may help to:
- make a list of the things you feel you need to discuss
- choose a quiet time where it’s just the two of you
- ask other family or friends to be there for support
- get advice from the person’s healthcare team.
Need to talk?
Life is more challenging right now, but we're still here for you.
No matter your worries, our nurses, trained officers and volunteers are here to listen.
- Call our free Support Line on 0800 090 2309
- Chat to us on webchat
- Send us an email at support@mariecurie.org.uk
- Speak with other people in similar situations on our online community
Our Support Line is open 8am – 6pm Monday to Friday and 11am – 5pm on Saturday. On bank holidays we're open 10am – 4pm.
External websites
- Care Information Scotland – can I get help with caring?
- Carers UK
- Carers Trust
- Crossroads Caring for Carers (Northern Ireland)
- Crossroads Caring Scotland
About this information
This information is not intended to replace any advice from health or social care professionals. We suggest that you consult with a qualified professional about your individual circumstances. Read more about how our information is created and how it's used.
Did you find this page useful?
Help us be there for anyone with an illness they're likely to die from by telling us what you think.
If you are completing this survey using a desktop computer, hold down the Ctrl button to select multiple options.
