Supporting someone with a terminal illness

Someone you know being diagnosed with a terminal illness may come as a shock. You might wonder what you should say or how you could support them at this time. In this information, we offer guidance on talking to someone with a terminal illness and ways to offer support.

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What to say to someone with a terminal illness

The idea of a terminal illness – an illness that cannot be cured and is likely to lead to someone's death – can feel scary or unfamiliar. It can feel hard to know what to say, either because you just are not sure or for fear of saying the wrong thing. In this section, we offer some tips around what to say to someone with a terminal illness.

Be led by the person living with a terminal illness

You do not have to be the one to lead the conversation. They will show or tell you what they feel comfortable talking about, and what they'd rather not. And if you are not sure, you could ask, 'Is there anything you do not want to talk about?'

Try not to avoid the topic of terminal illness

You may feel awkward asking about their terminal diagnosis, especially if they do not bring it up either. But it's usually better to acknowledge it and check in with them – they will tell you if they are not ready to talk about it.

You could start by asking very open questions to get the conversation going. For example, asking, 'How are you feeling?' or even 'Do you feel up for talking about the diagnosis?'

Be honest

It's okay to admit if you do not know what to say or how to say it. You're still offering support by having the conversation and being there for that person. For example, you could say, 'I'm not sure what the right words are, but I want to let you know that I'm here for you.'

If the person feels comfortable, you may even be able to ask questions or find out where you can get more information about their diagnosis or illness.

Try to avoid giving advice or comparing experiences

It might be tempting to try and 'fix' the situation, or share your own, similar experiences or those of someone else you know. But this is the time to listen, acknowledge and try to understand their feelings and experience. You could say, 'I cannot imagine how this must feel for you' or 'It sounds like it's been a really difficult time.'

Keep sharing things about your life

You may feel that whatever's happening in your life, including any problems, is nothing compared to what someone with a terminal illness is going through. But sometimes people living with a terminal illness may feel cut off from everyday life, so sharing your stories might help them feel more connected.

If you're unsure whether this would be helpful, you can always check with them first. For example, you could ask, 'What do you feel like talking about today?' or 'Do you mind if I share something about [what's happening] with you?'

Be prepared for their reaction

The person who is ill will probably have lots of emotions about their diagnosis, and the good and bad days that come with that. They may seem different to you, or react in a way you would not expect. Be patient and try not to take any reaction personally. Remember that these conversations are about offering them support, and that might mean letting out all the emotions they're feeling.

If you're worried you have upset them or pushed the conversation too far, you could say, 'I'm sorry I've said the wrong thing. Do you need some space?'

Read our blog What do you say when someone tells you they're going to die?

How to support someone with a terminal illness

After a loved one, or someone you know, tells you they have a terminal illness, your first thought may be about how you can support them. There are lots of ways you could support someone, depending on:

• what the person living with a terminal illness wants and needs
• what you are able to give, within the reality of your everyday life and emotionally.

Offering emotional support to someone with a terminal illness

You can offer emotional support simply by making it clear you are there for someone with a terminal illness. You may want to:

• check in with them – a quick text message or phone call to say hello can be a nice reminder that there are people who care
• ask how they are feeling – you may feel this is a silly question after a terminal diagnosis, but it can give them a chance to off-load or to share any positive things that are happening
• set up a time to see them – you may be able to visit their home, have them visit you, or see them somewhere local, for example outdoors or in café.

Read our blog How to support your loved one if you can't visit them in person.

If you'd like information on how to support someone after a bereavement, our page on Supporting someone who is grieving may be helpful.

Offering practical support to someone with a terminal illness

The practical support you can offer will depend on what is realistic for you, as well as what someone living with a terminal illness needs. Remember that it will not be possible to do everything, and that even something that seems 'small' can make a huge difference.

Practical support could include:

• doing food or other essential shopping
• walking someone's dog or helping to care for other pets
• helping to clean the house or tidy the garden
• providing transport to and from appointments
• helping to sort out practical arrangements – such as looking at benefits or financial support, arranging at-home support, or checking local services.

Caring for someone with a terminal illness

Depending on your situation, and the situation of the person living with a terminal illness, you may find yourself becoming a carer for them. It can sometimes be difficult to know when the boundary between supporting someone and caring for them has been crossed. If you are unsure whether you are a carer, it may help to call our free Support Line on 0800 090 2309 to discuss your situation.

If you are caring for someone, there is support available to you from Marie Curie, health and social care professionals, and other organisations.

Read our information for carers.

Getting support for yourself

As much as you want to support the person who's been diagnosed, it's okay to say if their illness has also had an impact on you too. You may need or want support to help you cope with any emotions, questions or worries that have come up. Our free Support Line is here for you on 0800 090 2309.

If the person who's been diagnosed is visiting or staying in a hospice, you may be able to access support there too. Hospices sometimes offer support services, such as group sessions, for family and close friends.

There may also be local services, including support groups, for people going through a similar experience. You could speak with your GP to find out about useful services in your area.

Read about hospices.

Organisations that can offer support

• Dementia UK – call 0808 888 6678 or visit dementiauk.org  
• Macmillan Cancer Support – call 0808 808 00 00 or visit macmillan.org.uk  
• Maggie's Centres – call 0300 123 1801 or visit maggiescentres.org  
• Motor Neurone Disease Association – call 0808 802 6262 or visit mndassociation.org  
• Motor Neurone Disease Scotland – call 0141 332 3903 or visit mndscotland.org.uk  

See more organisations that can support carers, families and friends.