How children might react to bad news
What children might understand
How much a child or young person is able to understand about the person’s illness and death may depend on how old they are, their stage of development and any previous experiences of illness or death they’ve had. Some children may be the same age but will be at different stages of development.
It’s important to give them information which is appropriate to their age and level of understanding.
Children under three
Children under the age of three might not be able to understand the situation or the concept of death, but they may notice if the person isn’t around as often. They may be upset by changes to their environment, like if the person can’t spend as much time with them, and they may miss their voice and smell.
Children aged three to five
Children aged three to five may understand that something is wrong, but they might struggle to understand that death is permanent. They will be able to notice physical changes in the adult, like if they can’t pick them up anymore.
They may struggle to explain how they’re feeling, and they might find it upsetting when they see an adult is upset. Try to reassure the child that they are loved and will be taken care of while the adult is ill.
You might find it best to explain things to them gradually. You can give them information across a number of conversations – it doesn’t all have to be in one.
It can be helpful to explain that if the adult is acting differently, it doesn’t mean they love them less. For example, if the adult can’t play or speak as much anymore. Children this age often use play to communicate, so you could explain difficult things using play or art. If they aren’t able to see the adult in person, they might like to make gifts, write note cards to them, or record a voice message on a phone for them.
Sharing stories about illness or death might be helpful, or you may find it useful to read children’s books together about feelings you might have when someone is ill. We have a list of books you may find useful.
Children aged six to eight
Children this age tend to understand that death lasts forever and the adult won’t come back when they die. They might worry that bad thoughts can be harmful, or worry that they in some way caused the illness. This is known as magical thinking.
Try to give the child simple but clear explanations of the illness. For example, it might help them to know the name of the illness, how it affects the person and any treatments they may have. Explaining what is happening can help them to feel more comfortable with asking questions.
Children this age might become quite emotional, and they may get upset if they can’t spend as much time with the adult. If they are worried that it’s their fault, or worried that the adult doesn’t love them as much, try to reassure them that they are loved and that the unwell adult still cares for them. Let them know that it’s not their fault.
Some children feel like they need permission to ask questions as they’re worried they might upset someone if they do, so reassure them that they can talk about their worries if they want to. You can also reassure them that it’s OK to be happy and have fun, if that’s how they feel.
Children aged nine to eleven
Children this age will generally be able to understand more about the illness, so you may need to give more detailed explanations. You could try giving them small amounts of information as the illness progresses.
They might want to visit the adult in hospital or help out with their care. This is OK, but make sure they’re not doing too much. They might like to do small things, like making cups of tea for the person.
Some children this age may find it easier to show their feelings about the person’s illness. They might find it upsetting to see the person’s appearance change, and they may find it difficult to think about a future without them. It often depends on the child’s personality – some may be less willing to show how they’re feeling.
If they’re worried they’re to blame for the person’s illness, try to reassure the child that the illness isn’t their fault. If they feel up to it, it might help them to see their friends, or stay involved with any clubs or activities they normally do.
Adolescents
Being given information about the illness, symptoms and any treatments can help young people cope when an adult close to them is ill. Having open conversations and being kept up to date may help them understand what is happening better, and can reduce any feelings of uncertainty they have. If you find it difficult to talk about the illness, try giving them small amounts of information at a time.
You might find that teenagers struggle to talk about how they are feeling. They may worry about upsetting the person who is ill, or they might be struggling to come to terms with the fact that the person is dying.
You could ask them if they’d like to spend time with the person who is ill, if that’s possible. Teenagers may also benefit from having support from someone else, like an adult at school who knows about the situation, or from the person’s doctor or a counsellor.
Spending time with friends or going to school may help them to keep a sense of normality in their lives when lots of other things are different. However, they may also want to spend some time alone.
They might also want to speak to others who are in a similar situation. The charities Child Bereavement UK and Winston’s Wish have helplines and online chats to support young people.
Children with learning disabilities
Children and young people with learning disabilities may be able to understand information about the person’s illness and that they are dying. Talking to them might help them to cope with the situation better.
But you might find it helpful to speak to a health and social care professional involved in the child’s care, like a key worker or special educational needs coordinator, about how best to explain the illness to them.
Some may find it difficult to understand the concept of death. It can be helpful to use simple language, repeat information, and check they’ve understood what you’ve said. Spending time with the person, or playing a role in the person’s care, if that’s possible, might also help them to understand the illness.
The charity Mencap has information on children with learning disabilities and a learning disability helpline.
How might children react?
Different factors can affect how children and young people react to learning that someone close to them is ill. These could include their age, the relationship they have with the person, or if they’ve previously experienced someone close to them dying.
Learning that someone close to them is going to die can be very stressful for children and young people. You might start to notice changes in the child’s behaviour. You might find it hard to know what to say or how to make them feel better. This is OK. Just try to make sure that they know you’re there for them, if they need you. Having honest conversations might help them feel closer to you.
Children
Children may have lots of feelings when they find out an adult close to them is ill. These could include:
- shock – they may feel numb after hearing the news
- fear – they might be afraid of the person dying
- upset – they may find it upsetting if the person’s appearance changes
- sadness – they might feel sad thinking about a future without the person
- worry – they might be worried about how the person will change as the illness progresses, or they may worry they could get the disease themselves
- anger – they may feel angry that the person became ill
- guilt – some children may feel guilty that they caused the illness in some way, or guilty that they shouldn’t be having fun
- loneliness – they may become withdrawn, or feel like they can’t talk about the situation or ask questions, in case they upset the person who is ill.
These feelings are normal. You may find some children don’t seem to show these at all. Try to reassure them that it’s OK to feel this way, and they can talk about their feelings if they’d like to.
They may also have problems with their behaviour, like trouble sleeping or finding it harder to concentrate at school. Younger children can become clingy, wanting more physical contact with their parents.
Children may try to cope by spending time with the ill person or helping to care for them. Or they might try to distract themselves from the situation, or not think about it. This can happen when they are at school for example, and away from the person who is ill.
Children may want to take on more responsibilities in the home, like helping with housework. This can help them feel like they are a useful part of the family.
Some adults find it hard to know how a child is coping, especially if they don’t talk about their feelings. Try not to worry if this happens. You might find it useful to encourage conversations with the child, to let them know they can talk about their feelings or ask questions if they want to.
Try not to be afraid of asking how they’re doing. Reassure them that they won’t make it more upsetting for the person who is ill, or others around them, if they talk about their feelings.
We have more information on practical tips for supporting children.
Teenagers
Teenagers may have lots of different feelings when they are dealing with the illness of someone close to them. They may want to care for the adult and comfort them. They may also be angry, because they find it unfair that the person has become ill. They may feel lonely, if they don’t feel like they can share how they are feeling.
Teenagers might be worried about the future and be afraid of losing their parent. This might make it hard for them to talk about their emotions.
Teenagers may try to cope by trying to maintain a sense of normality. They might like going to school or spending time with their friends. However, some teenagers might want to spend time alone or away from friends, to make sense of their feelings or to spend time with the adult who is ill.
You might also feel like they’re acting as if they don’t care, by spending time away from home or going out more with friends. This is a normal response, and doesn’t mean they don’t care about the person’s illness.
They may take on extra responsibilities around the home. They might want to be involved in the adult’s care or do more household chores.
Having support during this time can be really important for teenagers. It may help for them to have someone they can speak to, like a family member, someone at school, or a counsellor. They may have lots of questions, and might feel upset if these aren’t answered. We have more information on practical tips for supporting teenagers.
The charities Child Bereavement UK , Winston’s Wish and the website RipRap have support and information on coping with illness, including stories from other young people.
Children with learning disabilities
A child or young person with a learning disability may find big changes to their normal routine upsetting.
They may feel upset if the person isn’t able to play or spend as much time with them anymore.
Some children with learning disabilities may not be able to use words to communicate their feelings. Instead, you might notice changes in their behaviour, like problems with sleeping.
It can be helpful to talk to children about what they already know, and what they understand about what is happening. Try to use simple, clear language when explaining things. This can encourage them to ask questions and talk about their feelings. You might find that you’ll have to have the conversation more than once. It may also be useful to use pictures or something visual to help explain what’s happening.
For extra support, you could speak to a professional involved in the child’s care.
External websites
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About this information
This information is not intended to replace any advice from health or social care professionals. We suggest that you consult with a qualified professional about your individual circumstances. Read more about how our information is created and how it's used.
