Practical ways to support children
Reassuring children
It’s important to remember that children’s emotions and reactions can change as the person’s illness progresses, and that is normal. No matter how they seem to be coping, it can be helpful to reassure them that they are loved and cared for. Being reminded that they are important and valuable in the family can help the child feel appreciated.
Children and young people may take comfort from spending time and having conversations with the person who is ill. Whether this is talking about their day, or hearing stories about the person’s life, these conversations can help the child to create positive memories of them.
Family routine
Some people try and keep to a regular family routine as much as possible when someone is ill. This can give the young person a chance to spend time with their friends and keep a sense of normality. It may also help reassure the person who is ill that the child will have support when they die.
But keeping the normal family routine isn’t always possible. Sometimes, symptoms of the person’s illness or hospital appointments mean the routine gets disrupted. Try not to worry if this happens. It can be helpful to have other people around who may be able to support you and the child, like friends and family members, if the routine does have to change.
Deciding where the person is cared for
Some people who are ill may want to stay at home if that’s possible. Others may want to stay in a hospice when they get very ill. And some may stay in a care home or need to go to hospital.
You might be worried about the person being at home when there is a child or young person living at home too. Try talking about this, and if you feel it is appropriate, you may want to involve the child or young person in the discussion too.
If you have questions about looking after the person at home, speak to their nurse, doctor or someone else involved in their care.
You can also contact the Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309.
Planning the child’s care
Children and young people might have questions about who will take them to school or clubs, and who will look after them when the person is ill and when they die.
It’s useful to have thought about who will look after the child while the person is ill, and who will be doing things like cooking and taking them to clubs or school. You can then answer them honestly, if they do ask questions. Knowing this information may reduce any feelings of uncertainty they might be having.
If you have told the child’s school about the person’s illness, you could explain to them that the school knows about the situation, and there is a certain teacher, nurse or wellbeing officer who they can speak to if they’re worried while they’re at school.
Telling school
School can be an important source of comfort for children and a way to keep a sense of routine. For some children and young people, they find school a good distraction from events at home. Having support from their friends and teachers can also give them someone to talk to outside of the family.
It’s normally a good idea to tell the child’s school that the person is ill. This can help the school understand any changes to the child’s behaviour. Schools may have wellbeing officers, a school nurse or a teacher the child can talk to. You might also want to speak to them, as they may be able to tell you about local support services.
If you are worried about telling the school, someone involved in the person’s care may be able to help you do this.
Children and young people may be able to have some time off school when the person is very ill. It’s best to speak to the school and find out if there are any policies on this.
Hospital and hospice visits
If the person goes into hospital or a hospice, the child or young person may want to visit them.
Seeing the person in hospital can help the child understand their illness and treatment better, and may comfort them if they’re missing the person.
However, some children may find it upsetting, and some adults may not want the child to see them in hospital. If they can’t go, or don’t want to go, you might like to arrange for them to speak on the phone. Or they could write the person a letter, or send a voice or video message. Try to reassure them that even though the person might look different, they are still the same person.
Ask the child or young person whether they’d like to visit the person in the hospital or hospice. You could explain to them what the visit will be like, including what the room will look like, and how the person may look. It can also help to tell the hospital or hospice staff that the child will be visiting.
Some children can get bored at hospital, so you may want to encourage them to bring a game or activity which can involve the person who is ill. This could even be something simple, like a hairbrush or nail polish.
Making memories together
You might want to spend some quality time with the young person and person who is ill. This can help create positive memories for them after the person has died. Using photos, videos, music, arts and crafts can be a good way to spend time together.
The pillowcase activity is about solid memories. Family members paint each other’s hands, including the person who is ill, and place them on the pillowcase. The emphasis is on the family unit and having fun together rather than the individual. It can help the child continue to feel close to their special person after their death.
Activities you could try
Spending time with the person who is ill can help build positive memories for the young person. You may want to try some of these activities:
- Make a photo album of the child and the person who is ill, or look through family photo albums together. This can be useful for starting a conversation about what the person was like before the child knew them.
- Make jewellery using beads with letters, which can be used to make up the child or adult’s name.
- Make paintings to decorate the person’s room. You can hang these wherever the person is being cared for, whether that’s at home, or in a hospice or care home.
- Create a memory box, which could include photos and souvenirs from special days, with the person who is ill.
- Draw pictures of their favourite things to do together.
- Write a story about their favourite memories.
- Read stories together.
- The young person might like to learn things about the person’s life that they didn’t know already. This could be things like their favourite food, what their first car was, or their favourite subjects at school.
You may find that doing some of these activities is upsetting for you. You could invite a close family friend or relative to join in as well, to provide some extra support.
Getting support
Trying to support children and young people when someone is ill can be difficult. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to do it alone.
You may find it helpful to get support from friends, family members or professionals. Family members and friends might be able to help you with practical tasks around the house, like making meals or doing chores. They may be able to take the child to school or clubs.
It may also help the child to know that they have someone else they can talk to, as well as you. This could be a teacher, sibling, family friend or professional.
Ask a healthcare professional involved in the person’s care about the support available for you and the child or young person.
You may also be able to speak to a counsellor or get support from your local hospice, including Marie Curie Hospices. Some have counsellors or other professionals who can support families, children and young people. These are usually only available if the person who is ill is known to the hospice, but this can vary. Contact your local hospice to find out more. We have a list of Marie Curie Hospices, or you can find a list of hospices in the UK at Hospice UK .
You can also call our Support Line on 0800 090 2309 for practical information and emotional support.
Looking after yourself
It can be hard to remember to look after yourself when you have children to take care of. Being there for a child, talking to them about the illness and supporting them emotionally can be challenging.
Some adults find it hard to balance everyone’s needs, especially if they are looking after the person who is ill. You may feel tempted to put your own needs aside to look after others.
Whether you are ill, or whether you’re looking after someone who is, it’s important to think about your own needs, and try to take some time to look after yourself. If possible, you might like to continue doing hobbies you’ve always enjoyed, or take a break to see friends or family.
It’s useful to think about the people you have around you who could support you. Having a support network can help reassure the person who is ill that the child will be looked after, but it can also give you time to have a break.
There is more information on looking after yourself and respite care in our booklet, Being there for someone with a terminal illness. You can read it online or order a hard copy.
You can also call our Support Line to speak to someone about your feelings on 0800 090 2309.
External websites
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About this information
This information is not intended to replace any advice from health or social care professionals. We suggest that you consult with a qualified professional about your individual circumstances. Read more about how our information is created and how it's used.
