How grief may affect children
Adults often want to protect children by not telling them what’s going on. But children are likely to notice that something’s wrong and feel anxious and confused if things are not spoken about. Grief can affect them in different ways than it does adults, and they may prefer to know what’s happening.
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How children may react
Children, more than adults, swing quickly between grieving and getting on with their normal lives after a bereavement. They can be upset one minute and asking to play football or have some ice cream the next. It can be so quick that it’s sometimes called ‘puddle jumping’ – the puddle is their feelings of grief, and they move quickly in and out of the puddle.
When you tell them the person’s died, they might not react very much. You may even wonder if they’ve understood. It may take a while to process the news and they may not have words to express their feelings. You can say you know it’s a huge piece of news and you’re ready to talk whenever they like.
A child’s understanding will depend on many things, including their age, stage of development, family background, personality and previous experience of death. Children do not develop at the same rate – they’re all individuals. Two children from the same family of the same age may react very differently to a bereavement. You know the individual child best and will be able to adapt what you say to suit them. Be led by what they want to know and don’t be afraid to tell them if you don’t know the answer to something.
They may come back to the subject and ask you the same questions several times. Or they may try not to talk about the person if they think it upsets you. You can reassure them that it’s OK to talk and much better than keeping their worries to themselves.
Young children often have ‘magical thinking’, which is believing their own thoughts can influence events. They may want a friend or family member to come back and find it difficult to think it might not happen.
Our granddaughter was only three when my husband died. He helped look after her and they were very close. She’s older now but she still sometimes gets upset remembering him.
How children understand death
Under six months
At this age, babies will have no understanding of death, but will notice if their main caregiver (eg mum or dad) is absent.
Some common reactions include:
- feeding and sleeping difficulties
- crying
- being worried.
Six months to two years
At this age, children still will not have any understanding of death, but they will be very upset if their main caregiver is absent.
At around two, children start to notice the absence of other people eg a familiar grandparent.
Some common reactions include:
- loud crying, being inconsolable
- anger about changes to their daily routine
- sleep problems and tummy aches
- looking for the person and asking where they are.
Two to five years
At this age, children may talk about death but do not understand it and think that it’s reversible. They may ask questions such as ‘If grandma’s in the ground, how does she breathe?’
They may also believe in ‘magical thinking’ and may think they are directly responsible for the death.
Some common reactions include:
- asking the same questions repeatedly
- needing reassurance that you’re not going to die too and death is not their fault
- clingy behaviour and behaving inappropriately for their age.
Five to ten years
At age seven, most children understand that death is permanent and inevitable. Some children may take longer than this.
They are aware of death, and they may worry that you or others may die too.
They may be fascinated by what happens when someone dies.
They can show compassion for someone who’s bereaved. They may worry about the effect on you if they’re sad and try to hide their feelings.
Some common reactions include:
- withdrawal, sadness, loneliness
- getting angry more often, difficulty concentrating at school
- regressive behaviour
- trying to be brave and control things.
Adolescents
Adolescents normally have a better understanding of death and can think about the long-term impact it will have on their lives.
They may worry more about changes to the routine, like who will take care of them or look after the house. They might worry about things like finances or the future.
Some common reactions include:
- Finding it difficult to talk about their feelings or wanting to talk to friends rather than adults.
- Feeling sadness, anger or guilt. Their emotions may be quite intense.
- Feeling worse about themselves.
- Wishing it had not happened, or wondering why it had to happen to them.
- Changes in how well they do at school or work.
- Worrying they might develop the illness which the person died of (especially if they were related).
Changes in behaviour
Children may not have words for how they feel, but you can watch for changes in their behaviour, which could be their way of expressing feelings they cannot talk about. These could include:
- Clinginess. Refusing to be left behind and clinging to you can be a sign the child needs reassurance you are not going to die and leave them too.
- Distance. Some children can put up a barrier with other members of the family because they’re scared of getting hurt again. They might want to spend more time away from home, with friends or at school.
- Aggression. This may be the child’s way of expressing helplessness in the face of loss.
- Regression. Acting younger than their age can be a sign of insecurity. Young children may start wetting or soiling themselves, or wanting a long-forgotten bottle or dummy.
- Lack of concentration. The child may find it hard to concentrate at school and fall behind with their work.
- Sleep problems. Children may find it hard to sleep and become afraid of the dark.
- Trying too hard. Young children believe their behaviour can influence events. They might think if they behave really well and do things such as eating broccoli and cleaning out the hamster cage their mum might come back to life.
Changes in behaviour in adolescents
Teenagers who are grieving might experience changes in their behaviour too. These can include:
- Aggression. They may be struggling to manage their strong emotions, so end up acting out or being angry.
- Regression. They might start to act more childish, as a way of feeling more secure.
- Acting the adult. They may be worried about the future now the person has died, so they might feel like they need to take on a more grown-up role.
- Distance. They might bottle up their feelings and want to avoid talking about it. Or, they may prefer to speak to their friends about their emotions, rather than an adult.
These are all natural reactions and they will pass. However, if you have any concerns, there are people out there you can talk to. The organisations below can offer information and support on children’s reactions to bereavement.
Children with learning disabilities
Children and young people with learning disabilities may find it harder to understand abstract ideas like death. When you are talking to them about the person who died, it can be helpful to repeat information and check they’ve understood what you’ve said. Try to encourage them to ask questions and express how they are feeling.
Some children who are non-verbal may find it helpful if you use reassuring behaviour like holding their hand, for example, to let them know they are supported. Communicate in the ways you would normally do, and in the ways you know make them feel comfortable.
Children and young people with learning disabilities may be quite dependent on adults close to them. This means that when someone dies, their lives may become disrupted. For instance, there may be changes to who looks after them, the home routine, or where they are cared for. If you can, try to keep a normal home routine as much as possible.
They might find it helpful to have a regular routine or activity in which they can celebrate the person. This could include looking at photos or a memory box of the person. Having this protected time where they can express their feelings might help them to feel reassured and secure.
They may feel guilty that the person died. Try to reassure them that the death is not their fault, and let them know you are there for them.
You might not want to talk to them about the person who died, because you feel like you want to protect them. But speaking openly can help them to make sense of the death, and it might make it easier for them to express their feelings. Some children may not show how they are feeling through words, but you might notice changes in their behaviour instead.
The charity Winston's Wish has bereavement support for children with SEND (special educational needs and disability). You may also find it helpful to speak to a health and social care professional. They may be able to help you talk to the child and give them support after a bereavement.
Next steps
External websites
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About this information
This information is not intended to replace any advice from health or social care professionals. We suggest that you consult with a qualified professional about your individual circumstances. Read more about how our information is created and how it's used.
