Talking to children about death

Having conversations about death with a child can be difficult. You might be worried about how much they will understand or how they will react. But speaking honestly can help them to feel supported.

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How to talk to children about death

Talking to a child about someone close to them dying can be difficult. You may worry that you will frighten them or say the wrong thing. But it’s important to be open and to answer any questions they have as honestly as you can. What children imagine can be far worse than the reality.

Here are some tips that may help you talk about death:

• When they ask a question, you could start by asking: “What do you think?” Then you can build your answer on their understanding of what’s happened.
• Try to avoid telling the child not to worry or be sad. It’s normal that they should get attached to people. And, like adults, they might find it hard to control their feelings. You might find that the child doesn’t seem to be sad. Sometimes they need time to absorb what’s happened. 
• Don’t try to hide your pain, either – it’s alright to cry in front of the child. It can help to let them know why you’re crying. You might want to say to them that people cry for many reasons, and sometimes they cry to express their pain or sadness when someone close to them dies. Let them know that it’s also OK not to cry, if that’s how they feel. 
• Be sure to give the child plenty of reassurance. Let them know they’re loved and that there are still people who will be there for them. A cuddle can make a big difference and make them feel cared for. 

Child Bereavement UK   has a useful information sheet for explaining death to children. Here are some other things that may help.

Be honest

Children need to know what happened to the person that died. Try to explain in clear, simple language that’s right for their age and level of experience. You might also try giving them information in small amounts at a time, especially to young children, as this can help them understand. Once you’ve explained that someone has died, the details can follow.

Use plain language

It is clearer to say someone has died than to use euphemisms. Avoid explanations such as the person has ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘gone away’. They may make the child frightened to go to sleep or worry when you leave the house you might not come back.

Encourage questions

Be prepared for a child to be curious and to ask the same questions again and again. This can be distressing but remember it’s a part of their need for reassurance and helps them process the information.

Reassure them

It’s common for children to feel that the person has died as a result of something they may have said or done. Explain simply how and why they’re not to blame. It might be helpful to give an example, like saying the person died because their heart stopped working. Reassure them that nothing that anyone said or did caused this to happen.

Ask them to tell their story

To protect children, adults sometimes try to avoid talking about the person who’s died. But the child may want to talk about the person. They need to tell their story and it might help them remember the person who’s died. They had a relationship with the person who died and it was important to them.

Listening to them can help you understand what they know about what happened. You can also correct anything that’s not quite accurate. Listening will also help you understand how the child’s feeling. Avoid telling them what you think they should feel. Let them know that the feelings they may be having are OK, including ones that they may feel bad about, such as relief that the person has died.

Can talking about death help a child?

Adults often want to protect young people by not telling them what’s going on. But children may notice that something’s wrong and might feel anxious and confused if they aren’t told the person has died. They might prefer to know, even if it’s sad, rather than trying to cope with not knowing.

Talking to a child about death can help them feel better supported and more secure. They may have fears or questions that they’re worried about bringing up. Talking about death might make them feel more comfortable to ask these questions, and they might feel more able to talk about their feelings. If they see adults showing their feelings, they may feel more willing to open up about their own.

If they’re not told about the person’s death, they may start to make up their own explanation of why the person isn’t around anymore. Not knowing the cause of the person’s death might make them feel guilty that they somehow caused it. They may also start to worry that they could ‘catch’ the illness, if they don’t have enough information about it.

Worries you might have 

You may be worried about talking to a child about someone close to them who has died. You may worry that you will frighten them or say the wrong thing.

You may be struggling with your own feelings, and find it difficult to support the child. Or, you might feel like you want to protect them by not telling them.

Try to be kind to yourself if you do feel this way – it is normal to find conversations like these difficult.

People who can help

When you’re helping a bereaved child, take things one day at a time. If at any time you feel unable to cope remember you don’t have to go it alone. Friends, family, healthcare professionals, teachers at the child’s school and others can all help. There are specialist child bereavement services that you can use and Marie Curie also has a reading list which includes books for and about grieving children.

You may also be able to get support through a local hospice, including Marie Curie Hospices. Some have counsellors for children and young people. This is usually only available if the person who died was known to the hospice, but it can vary. To find out more, contact your local hospice.

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External websites

Childhood Bereavement Network  

Child Bereavement UK  

Winston's Wish