Questions children may ask
If you tell a child or young person that someone close to them has died, they may have lots of questions. You might be worried that you won’t be able to answer them. Below are some they might ask and suggestions for how you could answer them.
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Questions about death
If you are unsure about how to answer any questions, you could ask the person’s doctor, nurse, a counsellor or social worker for support.
Remember that it’s OK if you don’t know how to answer their questions. Here are some examples of questions children or young people may ask and the answers you could give.
These are just suggestions. Remember that every child is individual, and you may need to adapt answers depending on the child, the situation, and your beliefs.
How you answer questions will depend on how old the child is, their stage of development and whether they’ve had any experience of death before. We have more information on what children might understand at different ages.
Before you answer, you can also ask the child what they think. That allows you to check what their understanding is. Adults also struggle to understand death and you might not be able to answer all the questions. If you don’t know the answer, it’s OK to say so.
What is death?
Death happens when someone’s body stops working. Their body stops working, and they no longer breathe, move, eat or drink. They can’t feel anything when they’re dead, so it doesn’t hurt and they’re not in pain. They can’t come back to life once they’re dead.
Why do people die?
Someone’s body might have been damaged by a bad accident or they might have had a very serious illness or disease that doctors couldn’t make better.
When do people die?
Many people die because they’re very old and their body is worn out. But not everyone who dies is very old.
Is death forever?
Yes. When someone dies nothing can bring them back to life.
When will I/you die?
I don’t know. Probably not for a long time yet.
Questions about what happens after death
How you answer these types of questions will depend on your spiritual beliefs. It’s OK not to know all the answers, but try to be as honest as you can and face any difficult issues that the child wants to raise.
What happens after death?
No one knows for certain what happens after someone dies. Different people have different ideas and beliefs although many share some of the same ones.
Do people have a soul? What is a soul?
As well as a physical body, some people believe that we have a soul or spirit, which is the special bit that makes us who we are. They believe the soul is always there, even when our body is dead.
What is heaven/jannah/paradise?
Some people believe that a person’s soul or spirit goes to heaven or somewhere similar. In heaven their body is free from pain and they’re no longer ill. Other people believe that when you’re dead there’s nothing more.
If the person who died is in heaven/jannah/paradise, why are they buried?
Their body, which is the physical part that doesn’t work anymore, is buried. Some people believe that their soul is in heaven.
Can the person who died see me from heaven/jannah/paradise?
Some people believe the person who died can see them and looking after them.
Can I telephone heaven/jannah/paradise? Why can’t I put up an extra-long ladder to heaven?
Heaven is not like places here on earth – you cannot phone it or go there.
Why can’t they come back from heaven/jannah/paradise?
Going to heaven is not like going to the seaside or someone else’s house. Once you’re there, you can’t come back.
Why did God/Allah/Jehovah let the person die?
This is a question that many grown-ups can’t answer either. People who believe in God believe that everything happens for a reason. This means there’s a bigger plan to everything that happens that only God knows about. This can be difficult for people to understand, especially when it’s so painful. Other people find it comforting.
Questions about the person who died
Not knowing what happened can make death more upsetting and frightening.
There are no set answers to these questions. However, try to give as much detail as you think the child can cope with according to their age and level of understanding. Never underestimate their capacity to understand. Be guided by them and make it easy for them to ask whatever they need to.
Children may ask things like:
- What exactly happened when my mum died?
- Did you see her die?
- Was she in pain? Did it hurt?
- What did the doctor say?
Questions about how they’ll be affected
The child may be frightened that they’re going to die too. Knowing why someone died may help to take away some of that fear. They may also think that if only they hadn’t been naughty or made so much noise, had helped more or loved the person more, they wouldn’t have died.
It’s important for them to know that there’s nothing they could have done to stop the person dying. It can help to concentrate on talking about good memories and happy experiences.
Will I die?
One day. We all die, usually when we are old. You won’t die just because someone you know has died.
Can I catch cancer?/Will I have a heart attack?/Could I die of the thing the person died of?
You can’t catch cancer or a heart attack.
(If it’s relevant, like if the person had a genetic disease, you may also want to say something like this: Some diseases are genetic, meaning that a family member might be more likely to get it, but this is not usually the case).
Was it my fault?
It’s not your fault that they died. Being naughty doesn’t make someone die. And being kind and loving someone can’t stop them from dying either – nor do wishes and thoughts. Everyone says and does things that later they wish they hadn’t.
Questions about who will take care of them
Again, there are no set answers. When a parent or other close family member dies there often are major changes. It’s best to be honest about these. The child may not like what they hear but dealing with reality is better than dealing with a fantasy.
Most children prefer to have something concrete to deal with rather than to guess and worry about what might happen. It may be that the news is better than they expect.
If the child is afraid to go to school, contact their teacher. They can look at what might help, for example letting the child call you during the day.
Will we have to move/change school/have enough money?
The child may worry about how the family will manage financially or whether they’ll need to move house or school. Try to reassure them that even if things do change, they’ll always be loved and supported.
Questions about the future
It’s important that the child doesn’t feel that they’re betraying the person who has died by getting on with their life. It can help to find a special way to mark anniversaries, perhaps once a month at first and then every year, so they can remember the person who died. Thechild might like to make a card or pick a flower to take to the place where the person has been laid to rest.
Will my sad feelings go away?
Sad feelings don’t last forever. If something reminds you of the person who died, you may feel sad again for a while.
Will I ever feel happy again?
People do feel happy again, although they never forget the person who died. It’s OK if you laugh and have fun.
Will I forget my mum/dad/person who died?
You will never forget the person who has died. As time goes by you’re likely to start to feel less upset than you do now and to find a way of giving the person who died a new place in your life and your memories.
Other questions children may ask
The following questions are also sometimes asked. You might like to think about these and other questions just in case a child brings them up.
- Will we still go on holiday?
- Will I still get pocket money?
- Who will help me with my homework?
- Can I go to the cemetery?
- Can I make a special card to take to the cemetery?
- Will we be together when I die?
For more information on supporting children when someone dies, you can read our booklet, Supporting children and young people when someone dies. You can download this or order a hard copy.
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About this information
This information is not intended to replace any advice from health or social care professionals. We suggest that you consult with a qualified professional about your individual circumstances. Read more about how our information is created and how it's used.
