How to include a child in a funeral

Rituals, like a funeral or scattering ashes in a special place, are an important way for adults to say goodbye to a loved one. Children may also benefit from the chance to remember loved ones or say goodbye. It can help them express their grief and share it with others.

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Ways to include children

Do what feels right for you and them. Here are some tips on involving children:

• Prepare them. You can tell a child what’s going to happen at the funeral so they have some idea of what to expect. This will include explaining about the dead person and their body. Try to find your own words for this which fit in with your beliefs. 
• Give them a choice. You might want to protect the child by keeping them away from the funeral. But later in life children often express disappointment that they weren’t even given the choice to attend. 
• Allow them to contribute to the ceremony. They could help choose music and flowers, or put a drawing on top of the coffin.
• Provide support. Have someone such as a favourite aunt or uncle sit with them who can leave the service with them if it gets too much. This takes the pressure off you if you’re also organising the funeral.
• Help them understand. You may want to help the child separate the person they knew from the body being buried or cremated. Depending on the child’s age you could tell them that the body of whoever has died doesn’t work anymore. It can no longer move, eat, speak or think. It can’t be mended and won’t do the things it used to do – but it won’t feel hurt, cold or pain any more, either. Read more about questions children ask.
• Have an alternative ceremony. If the child doesn’t want to go, is there something you could do together at home to celebrate the person’s memory? This could be planting a tree, or placing a garden ornament in their memory.

It may also seem difficult for you to have a child around when you have to cope with your own feelings of loss. Having someone else there to support them can help.

For further advice on telling children about funerals, Child Bereavement UK   and Winston’s Wish   have useful information. 

Questions children may ask about funerals 

If the child is going to the funeral, they might have a lot of questions about the ceremony, why we have funerals, and what happens to the person who dies.

If you decide it’s okay for them to go, talk to them about it beforehand, especially if they’ve never been to one before. This will give them an idea of what to expect. Be aware of how you explain cremation to children as they can find the idea of fire quite frightening. 

For more suggestions, see Child Bereavement UK  ’s information about explaining funerals, burials and cremation to children, which can be found on its website.

What is a funeral?
Funerals are special ceremonies which give family and friends who cared about the person who died a chance to come together to remember them, to say goodbye and to celebrate their life. A funeral may be at a religious building such as a chapel, church, temple, synagogue or mosque. Sometimes they’re at a place called a crematorium.

What happens at a funeral?
The body of the person who died is usually put in a special box called a coffin. Music is often played and people usually speak about the person who died. The body of the person who died may be buried in the ground. Sometimes instead of being buried people are cremated. This is when the body is turned into soft ashes.

What do people wear to funerals?
People sometimes wear black or dark clothes to go to a funeral. However some people don’t like to do this. And sometimes the person who died may have said that they didn’t want people to wear dark clothes. In different cultures, different colours can be worn. For example, Hindus wear white to funerals.

Why do people dress up?
People dress up as a mark of respect to the person who has died.

How long does the funeral last?
There’s no set time. It depends on how many hymns or songs there are and how many people speak.

Will people cry at the funeral?
Many people cry at funerals because they feel sad. However, there can also be happier moments when people remember the person who died and things they did together.

Can I go to the funeral?
(If you’re OK with them going) Of course you can go to the funeral but you don’t have to. Would you like me to tell you about what will happen before you decide?

What happens after the funeral?
People sometimes like to put flowers on the coffin or donate money to a charity as a way of remembering the person who died. After this, people often go to someone’s house for a gathering. They eat and drink together, and talk about the person who has died as a way of celebrating their life.

What is cremation?
Usually at the end of the funeral, some curtains will be drawn around the coffin and we will not see it again. After everyone has gone the coffin, with the body, is put into a special, very hot oven to be turned into ash. We do not watch this bit. The ashes are then usually put into a special pot called an urn. This happens at a place called a crematorium. Some people scatter the ashes somewhere very special to the person who has died. Or they can be buried in the ground.

Will it hurt?
The person who died won’t know that they’re in a coffin or that they have been buried and if they’re cremated it won’t hurt. That’s because after death their body cannot feel, hear or see.

External websites

Child Bereavement UK  

Childhood Bereavement Network  

Winston's Wish  

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