Talking about your terminal illness
You may want to tell people about your terminal diagnosis, but it can be difficult to know where to start. On this page, we talk through how to approach these conversations, as well as thinking about how people might react.
On this page:
Choosing how to tell people about your terminal diagnosis
Although it can be hard, some people find that talking about their diagnosis can bring a sense of relief. If you decide to talk about it, you may be thinking of the best way to start the conversation. In this section, we talk through some of the different ways you could approach people.
Speak to family and friends individually
You'll have different relationships with your family and friends, so you may need different ways to speak to them about your illness. There is no right or wrong way, as health is personal and our relationships are individual to each of us.
Speak to family and friends as a group
You may find it easier to talk to your family and friends in one large group or a number of smaller ones. This will save you repeating the same information, which can be emotionally draining.
Ask a trusted person to spread your news
You may want to talk to people about your illness but do not feel able to do this directly. In this case, you could ask a family member or close friend to be a spokesperson who can pass messages back and forth.
By doing this, you can keep family, friends and people close to you up to date without wearing yourself out emotionally. You'll also be able to respond to people's questions in your own time.
This could have an impact on the person who is your spokesperson. Before you decide on this approach, you could check that they feel comfortable doing this.
Ask a professional to be there
You may decide that the easiest way to speak with family and friends is to ask a professional involved in your care to talk for you. Or you may decide that just having them there will give you more confidence to talk about your illness. You could also rehearse what to say with them beforehand.
Talk online
Another option you could explore is sharing your experiences with family, friends and people close to you through social media. Sharing online can be a good way to connect with others, especially if you want to tell a wider circle about what you're going through.
Sharing online may mean lots of responses, which could feel overwhelming, so think about whether it's right for you. One way to help with this is selecting who can and cannot read your posts. If you're not sure how to do this, ask someone close to you for help.
You could also create your own private website at CaringBridge, a charity that sets up free personalised websites for people with serious medical conditions. You can choose who can see your website so they can read updates and send you messages of support.
The challenges really were, first of all, telling other people... you'll find that some people distance themselves from you, or they don't talk about it. But good friends stay with you.
How to have a conversation about a terminal diagnosis
There is no right or wrong way to have a conversation about your diagnosis. You will know what feels best for you and the people you're talking to. You may find these tips helpful as you prepare to have the conversation:
- Decide who you want to talk to and how. You may want to use the information above to think about this.
- Make sure you feel emotionally ready. This is not a conversation you need to rush and it's important you feel able to have it. It's okay to wait until you have done everything you need to do, whether that's speaking with a healthcare professional, learning more about your diagnosis, or simply having some time to yourself.
- Plan what you are going to say and do. If you have decided to write down what you want to say, or have a professional with you for the conversation, make sure all of these arrangements are ready. You may also find it useful to have a list of trusted sources about your illness ready to share, in case the people you're talking to want to understand more.
- Try to find the right place and time. You might need a few hours where you and the people you're telling do not have to think about anything else. You may also have a preference about whether you talk in a private or public space. Sometimes it might be easier to have a conversation more casually, while out for a walk or over a meal for instance.
- Speak plainly and honestly. With most difficult conversations, honesty is usually best. Try not to be worried about showing your emotions, as it's normal to find these conversations difficult. Do not worry about using the 'right' words or phrasing – say whatever feels most natural and true to your situation.
- Ask for what you want or need. This could be practical things, like help with your shopping, or emotional support, like a conversation you'd like to have. You might think your friends and family aren't ready to talk or are struggling to cope with the truth. But if you keep your feelings hidden, you could end up feeling isolated from them.
- Set boundaries around what you feel able and ready to talk about. If talking in-depth about your diagnosis is too overwhelming, or you do not want to talk about certain things, let them know. You can always discuss things at another time, once you feel ready.
These tips might not be right for every conversation, including if you want to talk to children about your diagnosis. We have specific information about this that may be more helpful.
Read about talking to children about terminal illness.
How people might react to your terminal diagnosis
You may find that family members, friends and people close to you react to your diagnosis differently. This could depend on their personalities and the relationships you have with them. Some people may be more willing to talk about it, while others might not be able to express what they're feeling as easily.
It is likely that most people you tell will be glad you've shared with them and will want to know how to support you. Others might find it more difficult to talk about your illness or not know how to offer support.
The most important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for other people's reactions or emotions. You cannot control how someone else thinks or feels. But you can know and ask for what will be most helpful for you after your diagnosis. This might mean having space from some people for a while, or getting the support of a health or social care professional to help you through any changes in your relationships.
You may find it helpful to send people close to you some information that they can read in their own time. You could also tell them about our free Support Line on 0800 090 2309, which could help them understand and manage their feelings.
Share our information about supporting someone with a terminal illness.
More support for telling others about a terminal diagnosis
Telling others about your terminal diagnosis can feel difficult, whether they are close loved ones or people you do not know so well. Remember, you are not alone in this and there are many people who can offer support, including your health and social care professionals and Marie Curie.
You may want to call our free Support Line on 0800 090 2309 to talk about how you're feeling about the conversation or how it went. Or you could book in some sessions with our Companion over the phone service.
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About this information
This information is not intended to replace any advice from health or social care professionals. We suggest that you consult with a qualified professional about your individual circumstances. Read more about how our information is created and how it's used.
