How to arrange a funeral

Organising a funeral can feel overwhelming, especially when you are grieving. It's important to look after yourself. So, do not feel like you've got to rush to make decisions. Or that you need to do it all if you have friends or family who can help.

How to start organising a funeral

You may find that asking yourself these questions before you start helps you feel more confident about the decisions you make:

• Did the person who died tell you what they wanted or leave instructions in their Will?
• Do you know if they wanted their funeral to follow a faith or cultural tradition?
• Did they say if they wanted to be buried or cremated?
• Do you know if being environmentally friendly was important to the person? And if this might affect choices you make for their funeral?
• Did they say what kind of coffin they wanted?
• If they wanted to be cremated, did they say what they wanted you to do with their ashes? Or if they are going to be buried if they knew where they wanted to be interred?
• Have you thought about how you will you pay for the funeral? Did the person who died make any arrangements? For example, did they have a pre-paid funeral plan or funeral insurance?
• Do family members or friends have any special wishes? It could be things like doing a reading, or playing a piece of music, or helping to carry the coffin? It may be a good idea to speak to them about this now.

If the person who died left instructions for their funeral, the executor will decide if they're affordable and acceptable to family and friends. A Will is legally binding except for the funeral instructions. So it's OK not to follow the wishes expressed in the Will if they are not practical.

If the person who died did not leave any formal instructions, the executor named in the Will or the person who is arranging and paying for the funeral, will make the decisions.

Who can help you organise a funeral?

If you've got family or friends who could help you organise the funeral, then you can ask them. If they had been close to the person who's died, they may feel like they want to be involved. But while people often want to help someone who has been bereaved, they do not always know how − so you might need to ask if they can help and suggest what they could do.

There can be a lot of practical things to do after someone dies and it's important to look after yourself too. So, if you're happy for other people to be involved, take up any offers of help.

If you're using a funeral director, they can help support you with arranging the funeral. You can also contact the Marie Curie Support Line for free on 0800 090 2309 for practical information and emotional support.

Choosing a funeral director

If you're using a funeral director, it's worth first thinking about what you'd like them to do − and what you want to do yourself.

Read more about choosing a funeral director.

Paying for a funeral

It's important to know how much the funeral will cost and how you will pay for it. Try not to feel pressured into making plans for something that's more than you can afford − or more than you think you should spend.

Read about paying for a funeral.

Arranging a funeral service

A funeral service, or ceremony, can be an opportunity to remember the person who died and to celebrate their life. It can be as big or small as you want − or feels right for you and the person who died.

Types of funeral service

You can have a simple ceremony where you scatter the ashes, and later have a memorial service. Or you can have just one service, or no service at all. Only you know what's right for you and for the person who died.

Here are some options:

• Have the burial or cremation as soon as possible – some religions or cultures require this.
• Have the funeral a few weeks after the person has died and, if they're cremated, scatter the ashes privately.
• Keep the burial or cremation as a private event and arrange a memorial or other event for more people at a later date.
• A direct cremation (without any mourners) and a memorial service later. You may choose to have the ashes at the memorial.
• If the person was buried, have a ceremony when the headstone is put up.
• Celebrate the person's life in some other way. For example, plant a tree or dedicate a park bench to them. You will need to check for permission from the council or landowner.

Choosing the location

There are some different options for where to have a service, including:

• at the crematorium or beside the grave
• in a place of worship such as a church, mosque or temple
• in a place where the person enjoyed spending time, such as their home, garden or local community centre.

Most crematoria and cemeteries include the use of their chapel or prayer room in their costs (if they have one – not all crematoriums have a prayer room). The room will be suitable for all religions and for people with no religious belief.

You can talk to crematorium or cemetery staff beforehand (or ask the funeral director to do this), to make sure the setting is right on the day, particularly if you have special requests.

Religious or secular services

If you're not sure what's appropriate or allowed after checking the person's last wishes and asking family and friends, check with the faith leader, celebrant or the person leading the ceremony.

Who will lead the service?

If you're having a religious service, or ceremony, the faith leader will usually lead. If it's not a religious service and you're using a funeral director, they may suggest a secular or civil 'celebrant' (someone who performs the service).

To choose your own celebrant, contact the Institute of Civil Funerals  , Humanists UK   or Humanist Society Scotland  , or Northern Ireland Humanists  .

You can also be the celebrant yourself. The Natural Death Centre   has information about this.

You may want the celebrant or faith leader to run the whole service. But it's important to know that if you want to, you and other family members and friends can take part too. For example, you could ask the faith leader or celebrant to start and end the service or say prayers. You and other friends and family members can give readings or say some words about the person.

Guests from a different faith or culture

If people will be coming to the funeral who will not be familiar with the type of service you will be having, you may want to prepare them for what to expect.

When you tell them about the funeral, you could let them know then that it will follow a specific tradition or faith. You could suggest where they could find out more about this, or you could put together some information for them, if you feel able to do this.

Or there may be somebody in your community, or place of worship, who is happy to be contacted by people who want to know more about what will be involved. They may have questions, for example, about what they should wear or bring with them. They might then feel less anxious if they can ask someone about this before the day.

Music and readings

If you choose to have music at the funeral, you can have it:

• when friends and family arrive
• as the coffin leaves the church or place of worship (with a burial) or as the cremation curtains close
• when people leave the ceremony
• between readings or speeches.

You may have your own ideas, or the funeral director or faith leader can advise. For other suggestions ask family or friends, especially if music was particularly important to the person. You can also search for suggestions online.

The crematorium or venue may be able to download your music choices, or they may ask you to bring it on a CD or memory stick. If they're downloading music, it can be worth checking that they've got the right version of a song. Music played at a funeral does not need a public performance licence.

Like music, readings at a funeral can also reflect the person's interests or character. You could choose to have an extract from a book and/or poems, or someone might want to write something.

You can find many popular funeral readings online. For example, you could look at the Lasting Post  website for ideas. And Co-operative Funeralcare   has a guide to writing a eulogy as well as help with choosing a poem or music.

Live-streaming the service

Most crematoria now offer the option of live-streaming the service for people who cannot be there. It can then be made available for family and friends to view afterwards also.

Choosing a coffin

You can choose from a wide range of coffins from many different sources. But you should ask if the coffin is suitable for the place of burial or the crematorium before buying it. Costs can vary a lot so check the price list too.

Many people will use a traditional wooden coffin. You might want to:

• buy one from a funeral director
• order one from a carpenter
• buy one online
• build one yourself (if you have the carpentry skills).

Different types of coffin

There are many options other than a traditional wooden coffin. You could also decide to have a shroud, such as a burial sheet, instead of a coffin − although some of these are not suitable for cremation.

You can sometimes get a cheaper option with online coffin and shroud suppliers. You can check the list of recommended companies on The Good Funeral Guide website.

Some options can cost as much or more than a wooden coffin so check the price first. They can be made of:

• wool
• woven willow, bamboo, rattan and other natural fibres
• cardboard – which is strong and can make it easier to decorate.

You can drape, decorate or paint these coffins. If someone is to be cremated, check with the crematorium about any restrictions. Some types of paint may not be allowed because of air pollution rules.

An alternative is to rent a wooden outer coffin (sometimes called a coffin cover) for the service, and to buy a cardboard inner coffin. After the service, just the inner coffin is used for burial or cremation.

Hearses and transport

You can talk to the funeral director about the type of hearse (the vehicle for transporting the coffin) you'd like and if you want cars for friends and family. If you're organising the funeral yourself, you may be able to rent a hearse or other suitable vehicle from a funeral director.

You do not have to use a hearse – other options include lorries, tractors, an estate car and, more unconventionally, a bicycle hearse.

Inviting family and friends

You may want to call, write or email friends and family about the funeral. You can also place an announcement in a newspaper. A funeral director can do this for you too.

Read more about telling other people about someone's death.

You may decide to create and share a social media page in the person's memory. However, people can feel differently about this so it's best to check with close friends or family before posting anything on social media.

When you're telling people about the funeral:

• include the date, time and place of the funeral or memorial event
• mention any wishes about flowers or donations to charity
• for security, avoid including a personal address in public messages and arrange for somebody to housesit during the funeral if the person's home will be empty.

If vulnerable adults or children have been affected by the person's death, you might want to think about how to include them.

Read our information about supporting a child at funeral.

Gifts in memory

Some people ask for a gift to a charity in memory of the person who has died. You can also ask for donations to a charity instead of flowers. You can arrange the collection yourself or ask your funeral director to do this.

Some people like to give small gifts to people coming to the funeral, such as packets of seeds to plant in the person's memory.

Other ways to remember them

There are many things you can do to make the funeral reflect the personality of the person who has died. These include:

• asking friends and family to carry the coffin (if they and the funeral director agree)
• asking people to wear the deceased person's favourite colours
• displaying some large photos of the person at the ceremony
• putting a favourite item of the person who's died on top of the coffin (eg a favourite hat, golf club, book or film)
• asking guests to write down a memory of the person on a card and then pinning these on a noticeboard.

Getting support

It can be difficult to be the person who is organising the funeral and arranging the ceremony when you are dealing with your own feelings of grief. If you feel like you want to talk to someone you can call our Support Line for free on 0800 090 2309.

Useful websites

The Good Funeral Guide

The Natural Death Centre

National Association of Funeral Directors

National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors

Association of Green Funeral Directors